From the girl who survived,

You know what is worse than people who have suicidal thoughts? People who make them having those suicidal thoughts. People who said that suicide is dumb and only people with lack of faith do that, fuck you. You are the worst. Suicide is not cowardly, treating people so badly that they want to end their lives, that’s what a coward do.

Seriously, people, if you have no idea about things that almost kill them, you'd better keep it to yourself. If you said to them that suicide is stupid and it won’t solve the problem, you just make it worse. If you never experienced suicidal attempts or tortured by suicidal thoughts, do not ever said that it was all nothing. Listen, dear, it wasn't easy at all, tortured by those thoughts that whispering to kill yourself every night. It’s hard and you know nothing about the long battles they have experienced.

I’ve been there. I've been in the position when I think death is the only solution. But trust me, I do not want to be in that kind of position. I also wanted to live my life, and cherish every moments of it.

But what could you do when everything seems so exhausting and you see no hope everywhere? When you feel depressed, you just can’t see things positively, your mind is blinded by the demons that said bad things about you until you think suicide is the only solution, until you think that maybe only death could cope the pain you feel right now. The thing is, it is not that easy unless you had walk in their shoes.

I didn’t say that suicide is the right thing to do. For God’s sake it is not, but living with the suicidal thoughts is not easy at all. Depression is real, it does exist in the core of people’s mind. It might can’t be seen, but it does hurt like hell. Those sleepless night you have to spend because the demons inside your head won’t stop talking about your miserable life and all the mistakes you couldn’t fix. Could you imagine how suck it feels? Even sleeping couldn’t help you from the sadness and misery, because the demons won’t just let you sleep. It won’t stop making you feel miserable except you stop yourself from living. That maybe becomes the main reason why some people choose to end their life. Suicidal attempt occurs when the pain exceeds the pain-coping resources and everyone has different pain-coping resources. Maybe they just can't handle the pain anymore. Maybe it's too painful that only death could cope it.

Based on my personal experience… trust me I’ve been hurt many people who love me dearly when they knew about my suicidal attempt. I remember one of my friends said that suicide won’t take the pain away, it only transferred to the people you left behind.

I still clearly remember that night, it was on April 30^th, 2017. After losing the man I’ve been with before, I can't see the light anymore. I am also still sturggling with my endless family problem and financial shits. Don't forget the part when miserable childhood memories haunted me down, and how bad society reacted to all those things. I lost all of my sanity. I remember all I could feel was the hopelessness that kill me from the inside. I just couldn’t bear with the pain anymore.

I remember how much it hurts when he finally decided to leave. You know that moment when you meet someone and suddenly think if he leaves you, it gonna hurt real bad? And when it finally happened, please multiple the pain. Yeah, right, maybe it was all just a break-up phase everyone should through after losing someone who matters the most. The point is, it was all that triggered my suicidal thoughts.

I've had this endless family problem that maybe became the main reason of my anxiety. I thought it would just stop as I grow up but it is just getting worse. I never make peace with dad. I have this kind of love and hate relationship with him. Sometimes I wish the love that biologically there would just disappear so I could just hate him without feeling guilty. But the truth is I cant, I love him from the bottom of the sea I could just sacriface everything even it is my happiness. Maybe that's why I never allowed myself to feel happy, I lost it before I ever have it. You know, I've been telling him something like this, "you know the first man who hurts me in this world? It's you, dad, it's you." and then I saw his tortured face, and it hurts me even more.

Then it became something I couldnt avoid with every man I've been with. I couldn't fully trust them, I always questioning how could they truly loved me because I dont know... the first man who I love the most in this world had hurt me and I couldnt explain the pain. After that, I allowed every man I loved before to hurt me because I've been hurt really bad in the first place until I realise I carried too much pain inside and if it's a real pain, it will caused me death.

That's why it was not just like another break-up phase for me (well at that time). He was the one that enlighten my life and helping me to swim back from the drowning. He gave me hope about being happy and good things in life... and then he is just gone. Leaving me. And taking all the light and the happiness he once gave.

Well, yeah, I know you guys just wanted to say "come on, kid, it is just another heartbreak". But let me tell you this, no matter how easy you think the problem is, people with anxiety and suicidal thought couldn’t see things clearly. They are blinded by the sorrow they feel inside. They are deaf because all the things they had heard is the bad thing about them, they start to agree with the demons inside their head. They just can’t see it from better side just like you guys do. So, please, if this thing happens to one of your closest friend, just be there for them. Tell them you will help. Tell them you will be there in their darkest days. Don’t tell them that suicide is stupid and only coward do that. They don’t need that kind of phrase from you, they already knew it. Don’t make them feel worse. Just please, people, use your common sense and embrace your humanity. This suicidal thing is a serious problem, don’t make it as a joke and don’t make those people with suicidal thoughts feel worse. If you can’t save a life, don’t take life from anyone that have been struggling with it. And do not ever call them weak because it takes them a courage to finally admit it and to seek for a help.

I am glad that night I was calling a friend to seek for me and asking her a help. And I am really glad that she came and was making sure nothing bad will happen with me after that. I am glad I have someone besides me when it happened. I don’t know what will happen if I didn’t ask a help or she didn’t come… maybe I will do the thing I hate the most in this life, hurting my family and my friends who dearly love me. I am so glad it didn’t happen and I am still here with them.

Right now, when I am writing this and thinking about those time, I feel so relieved that I didn’t give up that time. I am so glad that I choose to stay alive. I am so blessed I still have a chance to continue the journey, to spend the time with people I care about, and to finally make peace with myself. I am so thankful that right now I could clearly see everything and having a chance to have a beautiful future ahead.

Dear those who just can’t see the hope yet, you are not alone to through this. I know this is hard and how much it hurts, I know you are so tired you just want to escape, but please don’t give up. The world owes you something good after it gives you this miserable thing. Pease don’t give up yet until the good things come. I beg you to do your best to stay alive. I beg you to always fight the demons inside your head even you know you won’t win. Just please remember you deserve something good after this painful battle. Don’t ever ashamed to ask a help, it’s not the act of a weakness, it called bravery. You are so brave you admit you need help when the demons inside your head tell you not to.

I don’t know if it works to you, but I thank myself everyday for keeping me alive. I thank myself for not giving up even I have many reasons to do that. And after that, you deserve a hug, a hot chocolate to spend the night, a good music to listen, a good book to read, and a peaceful sleep.  You deserve every good things the world provides.

Sincerely,

A girl who survived.

SPECIAL NOTE:

Due to prevent misunderstanding and a bad stigma to the man I’ve been with before, I would say that he didn’t cause the suicidal attempt that happened to me. After all, it’s not about the person, it’s the moment that tortured me, too bad he’s the main role in that moment. But once again, he didn’t do anything harm to me.