Aku mau cerita. It was a really long time ago since I write here.

I am turning twenty today and this is the most blessing and the best birthday I have ever had, because I finally make peace with myself.

Suatu malam, aku pernah berdiskusi bersama laki-laki yang matanya berwarna coklat di salah satu restoran fastfood di Yogyakarta. Aku sedang sibuk membaca saat itu, dan setelah dia selesai menghabiskan makanannya, he asked me questions. Aku tidak ingat persis seperti apa kata-katanya, but in conclusion it was all like this,

“Kenapa banyak orang menulis tentang hal yang menyedihkan, menyaktikan, atau tentang mahasiswa yang berkoar-koar soal perubahan, dan hal semacam itu? Kenapa jarang ada orang yang nulis tentang kebahagiaan dan soal indahnya hidup?”

“Ada kok beberapa puisi soal kebahagiaan, biasanya ditulis kalau lagi jatuh cinta atau terpesona akan suatu hal yang indah.”

“Tapi tetap lebih banyak yang menulis soal kesedihan, kan? Ya, contohnya kamu atau teman-teman kamu lah yang caption instagramnya tentang hal sedih mulu padahal fotonya selfie.”

“Ya, karena menulis kan untuk mengungkapkan kegelisahan. Makanya kenapa banyak tulisan tentang kesedihan atau mahasiswa yang menuntut perubahan di tulisannya karena saat itu keadaan mereka sedang gelisah.”

“Kenapa gak bisa menulis untuk menyalurkan kebahagiaan?”

“Ya bisa aja, tapi bagiku susah.”

“Ya karena kamu sedih terus, gak berusaha untuk membuat diri kamu sendiri bahagia.”

I don’t remember when all the depression and anxiety inside myself started ruining myself. I don’t exactly know where did they come from, or what thing that caused them. Maybe it was all started from family –a home that should give me tranquility instead of the grudge I feel since a long time ago. Or maybe, it was all because a fucked-up childhood memories that make me afraid. Or maybe, it started when my (used to be) distanced father hurt me that I started looking for a better father figure. Or maybe, it was all started in my teenage year, when my first ex-boyfriend left me and my friend betrayed me and then society makes me feel I don’t fit in anywhere but alone only with myself. Or maybe, it was all because the book I have read that give me a vision about how hard actually life is that I had already live in it without even have experienced it. I don’t exactly know, but I used to think it was all because of me, who deserve this kind of life; feeling afraid, sad, empty, rejected, betrayed, forgotten, and always left behind. I used to be afraid to open up to someone everytime they tried to get close I push them away. I always have the fear of being forgotten and left behind because I used to think I deserve to be treated like that. I used to feel I can’t find happiness anywhere until I thought that maybe, I just don’t deserve to be happy. This is really, really, sad, I know, I pity myself too.

Saat itu rasanya aku hanya ingin menjawab, “yaiyalah kamu sih hidupnya bahagia terus and you take everything too easy, you don’t need to worry anything.”

Tapi pernyataan itu hanya aku simpan sendiri, I don’t know, mungkin saat itu, deep inside myself know he is not that always happy man who took everything easily.

And he was right on everything. He is right that I am too bad treating myself I don’t even give myself a chance. I was too focus on every bad and painful things that happened in my life that I can’t see the good things around. I was too focus on regretting everything that had happened that I don’t have a courage to start everything over again.

Maka saat ini, untuk pertama kalinya, aku tidak menulis dalam keadaan sedih dan menyalahkan diriku sendiri. Aku menulis dalam keadaan sangat bersyukur atas segala hal yang aku punya sekarang. I am proudly say that I want to be the better version of me.

Dulu, aku sering mengalami mental breakdown yang membuatku hanya ingin bergelung di kasur dan tidak bertemu siapa-siapa hanya karena alasan I feel not good enough with myself, I feel so unattractive and I don’t want anyone to see my face. But right now, I realize I was too hard on myself. Maybe I will feel like shit in two days from now on, but I have this good things inside myself that much more important than how I look.

Pernah juga, saking takutnya aku pernah tidak jadi ikut casting model karena aku tahu jawabannya akan ditolak –because I am not tall enough. Padahal it was my dream. I don’t even fight for my dream that time. Hence yes I don’t get accepted but then I met one of the good friend (a few are a photographer) from there. Lihat, kan, betapa Tuhan selalu punya side plan yang lebih indah.

Ada lagi. Aku selalu merasa untalented when everyone is doing something amazing. Aku tidak punya talenta menonjol yang bisa ditunjukkan dan dibanggakan. But then a friend of mine once said, mungkin aku tidak diberkahi akan kekayaan hal-hal seperti itu, tapi bagi dia, kehadiranku sangatlah menolong dan membuatnya mempunyai harapan. Maybe God gives me this big heart as a prosperous gift. To help others. To embrace and empowered many people. I just need to work hard for it.

There are tooooo many shits I have done to myself I can’t write it one by one here. But here is one thing that I am proudly would say, I am more than anything the demons inside my head think. I deserve to be happy and feel loved. I deserve a good and healthy life. And I would work hard for it, to make myself a better version, to make my life a better one.

And right now, I am proudly say, in my twenty, I will focus embracing the good things in life and worrying less. I will focus on my work and future life to make my family and friends proud of me. I will always try to spread kindness and love to everyone no matter what happened. I will always being there for my friends who need help and company. I will make peace with my family and loving them as sincere as I could. I will give myself a chance to do everything I love as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. I will be less afraid and take more risks. I will stand up for myself and stay true. And the important part, I will start fully loving myself.

Well yes, there will be rough day after this and I would cry and feel hopeless for the same battle again, but at least I already got the strength. I can’t wait for what could future bring to my life, because I am ready, to face the real world with the better version of myself.

You know why I said earlier that twenty is the best birthday I ever had? Because I got the gift from myself to myself; a better version of me.