Ayah Tidak Ada di mana-mana

Suatu pagi aku pernah bertanya pada Ibu
Kira-kira umurku lima tahun saat itu
‘Kapan ayah pulang?’
Ibu hanya tersenyum
Dan berkata, ‘segera, Ayah pasti pulang.’

Saat itu yang ku tunggu hanyalah

Bingkisan yang selalu beliau bawa
Sepulang dari berkelana

Ayah jarang sekali berbicara
Figurnya terpampang nyata
Namun aku selalu merasa beliau tak ada

Aroma kopi pekat tercium di seluruh halaman belakang
Musik klasik terdengar di semua penjuru ruang
Buku-buku tertata rapi di rak dekat dinding
Dan terkadang alunan ayat suci terdengar menjelang petang
Itu adalah pertanda bahwa Ayah pulang
Namun ternyata Ayah kembali hilang
Dan kenangan hanya satu-satunya yang tinggal

Suatu pagi saat umurku dua puluh
Aku kembali bertanya pada Ibu
‘kapan Ayah pulang?’
Ibu terdiam
Matanya menyaratkan kesedihan
Dan aku bisa merasakan kekosongan
Di seluruh ruang

Sejak saat itu aku tak pernah bertanya lagi
Namun aku tak berhenti mencari
Sosok Ayah di setiap laki-laki yang kucumbui

Dan aku tidak menemukan Ayah di mana-mana.

Jogja menyambut kedatanganku dengan hujan rintik saat tiba di Bandara. Aku melangkah menyusuri jalan sendirian, tersadar tidak ada lagi yang biasa menungguku datang di kota ini. Hujan di luar semakin memperparah perasaan sendu dan rindu di dalam dada. Jalanan macet sekali saat itu karena hujan dan akhir pekan, namun yang ku rasakan hanyalah kekosongan yang rasanya terus menggerogoti kekuatan-kekuatanku yang tersisa. Aku berusaha mengendalikan diri untuk tidak menghubungimu atau sekedar mengabari bahwa aku sudah pulang ke kota ini. Rasanya sulit sekali untuk kembali membiasakan diri tanpa kehadiranmu. Rasanya terlalu menyakitkan untuk menyadari bahwa aku merasa telah pulang, namun tempat yang biasa menerimaku tidak ada lagi.

Aku merasa pulang, namun aku juga merasa hilang.

To someone who is turning 21 today

Someone is having his 21^st birthday today,

He is the kind of best friend who will argue everyday with me because he knows he is right, but when he is wrong, he admits. A boyfriend who always tells me if I am wrong but acknowledges it if I am right. A partner whom always I could count on to.

We often argue about many things, and I often mad at him about it, but he doesn’t chase me after that because he exactly knows I need that kind of act to make me stronger and more rational. Sometimes people would think that he has lack of empathy and his feeling doesn’t really that matter because he rarely show it, but I know that he has the purest and kindest heart. He cares for many people around him, he would be the one who stands in the front line to help his friend. People would sometime call him flirty and being so nice around girls, but I know he never has any romantic intention towards them. He is just being a nice and kind guy whom everyone could count on to. And I would say I am proud.

He rarely puts me first because he has his life, his goals, his family, his parents, his health, his sibling, his friends. I understand those are way more important and I am glad he do that. He never updates any kind of our relationship things because I am not his shiny toy, he wants to keep me safe and special only for him. He rarely remembers any specific things that I told him but he remembers what his responsibilities and what he should do about that. He never really tells me his real problems but he sometimes shares his favorite songs to me.

I never know how he tells his family and his friend about me, but I could see how his eyes sparks every time he tells me story about them, I could feel how he loves his family and his friends, I could tell he’s very grateful to have them around. He rarely whispers sweet things to me, he rarely gives me flowers and chocolates, but he immediately answers my calls when I need him the most, and he was there when I am in my first day of period, when I am in trouble, when I am not feeling good to get up from my bed, and when I am crying in the middle of the night.

I know sometimes he could be a real pain in the ass. I know he could be really hard to understand. I know how sometimes he upsets me for being too rational. I sometimes angry when he can’t remember things about me, I sometimes feel uneasy when he chooses everything rather than me, I sometimes mad when he doesn’t agree with my thoughts, I sometimes doubt him when he can’t understand and provide what I really want. He may have no idea about what I want, but at least he knows exactly what I need, and that's all for now.

With him, I realize love was not all about him telling me every day that he loves me, flowers and surprises at my doors, cheesy words in the letter specifically for me, and enslaving his entire self for me. He is the person who doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, he just wants to do his best for himself, his family, his friends, and for the world. He just wants to safeguards the people he cares about. He just wants to do his best for the people he loves dearly. And I am proud of him. I am a delighted best friend, blessed girlfriend, and a proud partner.

Happy 21^st birthday, baby. I wish you all the best thing the world could provide because you truly deserve that. And also, you deserve to be loved by many people. For your kindest heart, your beautiful souls, your purest acts.

And if one day we won’t end up together, you are still the best thing that ever happen in my life.

I thank the universe for your existence. Happiest birthday.

Yours,

Ginan

Look how awkward yet lovely you are

I am glad to have you around

To more roadtrips and adventures!

From the girl who survived,

You know what is worse than people who have suicidal thoughts? People who make them having those suicidal thoughts. People who said that suicide is dumb and only people with lack of faith do that, fuck you. You are the worst. Suicide is not cowardly, treating people so badly that they want to end their lives, that’s what a coward do.

Seriously, people, if you have no idea about things that almost kill them, you'd better keep it to yourself. If you said to them that suicide is stupid and it won’t solve the problem, you just make it worse. If you never experienced suicidal attempts or tortured by suicidal thoughts, do not ever said that it was all nothing. Listen, dear, it wasn't easy at all, tortured by those thoughts that whispering to kill yourself every night. It’s hard and you know nothing about the long battles they have experienced.

I’ve been there. I've been in the position when I think death is the only solution. But trust me, I do not want to be in that kind of position. I also wanted to live my life, and cherish every moments of it.

But what could you do when everything seems so exhausting and you see no hope everywhere? When you feel depressed, you just can’t see things positively, your mind is blinded by the demons that said bad things about you until you think suicide is the only solution, until you think that maybe only death could cope the pain you feel right now. The thing is, it is not that easy unless you had walk in their shoes.

I didn’t say that suicide is the right thing to do. For God’s sake it is not, but living with the suicidal thoughts is not easy at all. Depression is real, it does exist in the core of people’s mind. It might can’t be seen, but it does hurt like hell. Those sleepless night you have to spend because the demons inside your head won’t stop talking about your miserable life and all the mistakes you couldn’t fix. Could you imagine how suck it feels? Even sleeping couldn’t help you from the sadness and misery, because the demons won’t just let you sleep. It won’t stop making you feel miserable except you stop yourself from living. That maybe becomes the main reason why some people choose to end their life. Suicidal attempt occurs when the pain exceeds the pain-coping resources and everyone has different pain-coping resources. Maybe they just can't handle the pain anymore. Maybe it's too painful that only death could cope it.

Based on my personal experience… trust me I’ve been hurt many people who love me dearly when they knew about my suicidal attempt. I remember one of my friends said that suicide won’t take the pain away, it only transferred to the people you left behind.

Aku mau cerita. It was a really long time ago since I write here.

I am turning twenty today and this is the most blessing and the best birthday I have ever had, because I finally make peace with myself.

Suatu malam, aku pernah berdiskusi bersama laki-laki yang matanya berwarna coklat di salah satu restoran fastfood di Yogyakarta. Aku sedang sibuk membaca saat itu, dan setelah dia selesai menghabiskan makanannya, he asked me questions. Aku tidak ingat persis seperti apa kata-katanya, but in conclusion it was all like this,

“Kenapa banyak orang menulis tentang hal yang menyedihkan, menyaktikan, atau tentang mahasiswa yang berkoar-koar soal perubahan, dan hal semacam itu? Kenapa jarang ada orang yang nulis tentang kebahagiaan dan soal indahnya hidup?”

“Ada kok beberapa puisi soal kebahagiaan, biasanya ditulis kalau lagi jatuh cinta atau terpesona akan suatu hal yang indah.”

“Tapi tetap lebih banyak yang menulis soal kesedihan, kan? Ya, contohnya kamu atau teman-teman kamu lah yang caption instagramnya tentang hal sedih mulu padahal fotonya selfie.”

“Ya, karena menulis kan untuk mengungkapkan kegelisahan. Makanya kenapa banyak tulisan tentang kesedihan atau mahasiswa yang menuntut perubahan di tulisannya karena saat itu keadaan mereka sedang gelisah.”

“Kenapa gak bisa menulis untuk menyalurkan kebahagiaan?”

“Ya bisa aja, tapi bagiku susah.”

“Ya karena kamu sedih terus, gak berusaha untuk membuat diri kamu sendiri bahagia.”

When I see you that night,

I realize how I miss to see that beautiful brown eyes,

Even from a far.

I wish I could just ran to you,

To hug you close into my arm,

And to let you know how hard have been this past week for me.

I guess it's been hard for you too.