From the girl who survived,

You know what is worse than people who have suicidal thoughts? People who make them having those suicidal thoughts. People who said that suicide is dumb and only people with lack of faith do that, fuck you. You are the worst. Suicide is not cowardly, treating people so badly that they want to end their lives, that’s what a coward do.

Seriously, people, if you have no idea about things that almost kill them, you'd better keep it to yourself. If you said to them that suicide is stupid and it won’t solve the problem, you just make it worse. If you never experienced suicidal attempts or tortured by suicidal thoughts, do not ever said that it was all nothing. Listen, dear, it wasn't easy at all, tortured by those thoughts that whispering to kill yourself every night. It’s hard and you know nothing about the long battles they have experienced.

I’ve been there. I've been in the position when I think death is the only solution. But trust me, I do not want to be in that kind of position. I also wanted to live my life, and cherish every moments of it.

But what could you do when everything seems so exhausting and you see no hope everywhere? When you feel depressed, you just can’t see things positively, your mind is blinded by the demons that said bad things about you until you think suicide is the only solution, until you think that maybe only death could cope the pain you feel right now. The thing is, it is not that easy unless you had walk in their shoes.

I didn’t say that suicide is the right thing to do. For God’s sake it is not, but living with the suicidal thoughts is not easy at all. Depression is real, it does exist in the core of people’s mind. It might can’t be seen, but it does hurt like hell. Those sleepless night you have to spend because the demons inside your head won’t stop talking about your miserable life and all the mistakes you couldn’t fix. Could you imagine how suck it feels? Even sleeping couldn’t help you from the sadness and misery, because the demons won’t just let you sleep. It won’t stop making you feel miserable except you stop yourself from living. That maybe becomes the main reason why some people choose to end their life. Suicidal attempt occurs when the pain exceeds the pain-coping resources and everyone has different pain-coping resources. Maybe they just can't handle the pain anymore. Maybe it's too painful that only death could cope it.

Based on my personal experience… trust me I’ve been hurt many people who love me dearly when they knew about my suicidal attempt. I remember one of my friends said that suicide won’t take the pain away, it only transferred to the people you left behind.

Aku mau cerita. It was a really long time ago since I write here.

I am turning twenty today and this is the most blessing and the best birthday I have ever had, because I finally make peace with myself.

Suatu malam, aku pernah berdiskusi bersama laki-laki yang matanya berwarna coklat di salah satu restoran fastfood di Yogyakarta. Aku sedang sibuk membaca saat itu, dan setelah dia selesai menghabiskan makanannya, he asked me questions. Aku tidak ingat persis seperti apa kata-katanya, but in conclusion it was all like this,

“Kenapa banyak orang menulis tentang hal yang menyedihkan, menyaktikan, atau tentang mahasiswa yang berkoar-koar soal perubahan, dan hal semacam itu? Kenapa jarang ada orang yang nulis tentang kebahagiaan dan soal indahnya hidup?”

“Ada kok beberapa puisi soal kebahagiaan, biasanya ditulis kalau lagi jatuh cinta atau terpesona akan suatu hal yang indah.”

“Tapi tetap lebih banyak yang menulis soal kesedihan, kan? Ya, contohnya kamu atau teman-teman kamu lah yang caption instagramnya tentang hal sedih mulu padahal fotonya selfie.”

“Ya, karena menulis kan untuk mengungkapkan kegelisahan. Makanya kenapa banyak tulisan tentang kesedihan atau mahasiswa yang menuntut perubahan di tulisannya karena saat itu keadaan mereka sedang gelisah.”

“Kenapa gak bisa menulis untuk menyalurkan kebahagiaan?”

“Ya bisa aja, tapi bagiku susah.”

“Ya karena kamu sedih terus, gak berusaha untuk membuat diri kamu sendiri bahagia.”