I’ve tried to kill myself tonight, and I’ve never been this afraid. I suddenly saw another side of myself that makes me scared. She tries to drown me deeper more than ever, telling myself to better end my life right away because I am all messed up and nobody cares about the pain I feel inside.

She’s successfully drowning me deeper and I forgot how to swim back. I took the razor and tried to kill myself. But that’s not the thing I want to do. I am crying and throw away the razor. I end up sobbing in the corner feel afraid of myself, of my thoughts, of someone inside myself.

Because the other of me denied it. She realizes it was the worst decision ever. She doesn’t want to kill herself. She doesn’t want to give up yet. She still wants to pursue her dreams. She still has plans and adventures to be done. She hasn’t give her little sister the best of her yet. She remembers her promises to accompany her little sister through everything. She remembers her family and her friends who love her deeply. She wants to be okay. She doesn’t want end up like a fool who kills herself.

And I lost control. I am a torn between the two sides of myself. I don’t know what to do. I am so afraid I just want to call you right now.

But you have gone. You already give up on me.

–but no, it’s not my time to give up yet. I have to survive.